💼 A Financial Odyssey: Heroes, Hubris, and High Yields

Today, we set sail through the financial seas of 2024. Like Odysseus charting his epic journey, we brave the siren calls of private equity buyouts, the Cyclopean gaze of Wall Street, and the tempestuous winds of Elon Musk’s Twitter feed.

While Odysseus was dodging monsters and vengeful gods, our modern-day heroes—BNY Mellon, Soho House, Kim Kardashian, and Netflix—are navigating their own trials. From corporate overhauls to streaming NFL games, it’s a veritable odyssey of profit, loss, and questionable decision-making.

As we embark on today’s tales of ambition, hubris, and occasional heroism, remember: the market, much like the Greek gods, is fickle. Be beguiling, tie yourself to the mast, and try not to drown in the siren song of speculative investing.

BNY Mellon Declares War on Overwork

Story
BNY Mellon, Wall Street's slightly friendlier uncle, is turning heads by giving its employees a two-week "recharge period" this holiday season. CEO Robin Vince boldly declared on LinkedIn that he's missing out on Starbucks freebies but is loving family time—proving that even billionaires can appreciate toddler tantrums during Christmas dinner.

In addition to telling staff to chill out, the bank plans to increase its minimum wage in 2025 and expand mental health services. For an industry that treats work-life balance like an ancient myth, this is revolutionary.

What this means
BNY Mellon isn’t just throwing workers a bone; it's serving a five-course meal of respect. Could this be the start of Wall Street realizing its workforce is human? Unlikely, but it’s a solid step forward.

Point of interest
The policy comes in the wake of two Bank of America associates' tragic deaths earlier this year, which sparked renewed discussions about mental health in high-pressure industries. BNY Mellon may not be Santa, but it’s spreading cheer nonetheless.

Stock picks

• Low risk: JPMorgan Chase ($JPM) – Because Jamie Dimon loves a good pivot to “best practices”.

• Medium risk: Goldman Sachs ($GS) – Could adopt this trend but might slap a "holiday surcharge" on it.

• High risk: Bank of America ($BAC) – If it learns the difference between PR and reality.

• Wildcard: Zoom Video ($ZM) – Remote work thrives when banks tell employees to stay home.

Soho House: Too Cool for Wall Street

Story
After failing to impress public markets, Soho House is preparing to go private, again, with a $1.75 billion buyout. That’s a premium on its current value but far from its 2021 IPO valuation. Turns out, Wall Street didn’t vibe with a luxury club trying to sell itself as a tech unicorn.

To regain exclusivity, Soho House is pausing memberships in major cities. Think of it as swiping left on potential customers—a bold move for a company drowning in debt and flirting with 8% interest rates.

What this means
Soho House wasn’t built for the public market’s scrutiny, where quarterly earnings reports kill vibes faster than bad art in a members-only gallery. Private equity might restore the mystique—but only if it can stop hemorrhaging cash.

Point of interest
Their rebranding to “Membership Collective Group” was meant to make them sound innovative. It worked—until people realized it was just Soho House with a new name and fewer profits.

Stock picks

• Low risk: Hilton ($HLT) – Basic, but reliable.

• Medium risk: Airbnb ($ABNB) – Could corner the “cool places to sleep” market.

• High risk: WeWork ($WE) – Soho House, but sadder and with fewer cocktails.

• Wildcard: LVMH ($LVMUY) – Exclusivity is always in style.

Kim Kardashian Leaves Private Equity. World Spins On.

Story
Kim Kardashian has officially stepped back from SKYY Partners, the private equity firm she co-founded in 2022. While skeptics questioned her PE credentials, others pointed out that her knack for brand-building is exactly what the industry needs.

No word yet on why she left, but insiders speculate that running a PE firm is surprisingly less glamorous than Instagram makes it look.

What this means
Kim’s exit reminds us that private equity isn’t just for anyone with a big name—it’s for people who enjoy spreadsheets, obscure due diligence, and quarterly strategy meetings in fluorescent-lit boardrooms.

Point of interest
Retail investors had already poured $30 billion into Nvidia this year. With Kardashian out of the game, they’ll need a new icon.

Stock picks

• Low risk: Nvidia ($NVDA) – Still the darling of retail investors.

• Medium risk: Blackstone ($BX) – Private equity, but make it boringly successful.

• High risk: Palantir ($PLTR) – Feels Kardashian-adjacent: mysterious and polarizing.

• Wildcard: Barbie ($MAT) – Because if anyone knows rebrands, it’s Mattel.

Netflix Becomes the NFL’s New MVP

Story
Netflix's Christmas Day NFL games drew over 24 million viewers each—making them the most-streamed NFL games in U.S. history. Somewhere, cable executives are weeping into their eggnog.

Netflix managed to convert the NFL’s legion of fans into subscribers, proving that even football lovers can be wooed with good UI and an autoplay feature.

What this means
Netflix is no longer just the king of binge-worthy drama; it’s staking a claim in live sports. Expect Amazon Prime and Disney+ to start a bidding war for your Sunday afternoons.

Point of interest
Will this drive Netflix to finally give up on those terrible original movies? Probably not, but we can dream.

Stock picks

• Low risk: Netflix ($NFLX) – Clearly winning the content wars.

• Medium risk: Amazon ($AMZN) – Already in the game, literally.

• High risk: Disney ($DIS) – Needs a Hail Mary to regain streaming dominance.

• Wildcard: DraftKings ($DKNG) – Sports and streaming? Match made in heaven.

Musk’s xAI Raises $6 Billion

Story
Elon Musk’s AI startup, xAI, raised a staggering $6 billion to fuel his vision of... well, we’re not entirely sure. It’s Elon, so it could be anything from sentient Teslas to a neural interface for space travel.

The funding round attracted big names like Nvidia, Fidelity, and Morgan Stanley, proving that when Musk talks, money listens—even if it has no clue what it’s funding.

What this means
Musk’s ventures rarely disappoint, but they always confuse. Investors should buckle up for another wild ride through the billionaire’s brain.

Point of interest
xAI’s valuation hit $45 billion before its product roadmap was even fully explained. Imagine what it could be worth if Elon stopped tweeting.

Stock picks

• Low risk: Nvidia ($NVDA) – Still riding the AI wave.

• Medium risk: Tesla ($TSLA) – Musk magic never hurts.

• High risk: OpenAI (private) – Elon’s competition, but who’s keeping track?

• Wildcard: Neuralink (private) – Because why not?

Wrapping up

And so, dear reader, we arrive at the end of this week’s odyssey. Much like Odysseus returning to Ithaca, we’ve weathered the storms of BNY Mellon’s worker revolution, Soho House’s retreat from the public market, Kim Kardashian’s private equity swan song, and Netflix’s conquest of the NFL.

But the most elusive treasure remains: a market that makes sense. Will we ever find our Ithaca, that mythical land where valuations are rational and earnings are predictable? Likely not. But at least New Year’s offers the timeless tradition of pretending next year will be different—an optimism the markets themselves might envy.

Cheers,
The Briefcase Team 💼